Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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