hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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