y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
