Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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