Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
