yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
