Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
