Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
