she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize