Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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