I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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