after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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