You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
