he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize