He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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