He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
