I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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