I wanna bring you to show and tell
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize