In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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