John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
