Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
