I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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