if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
