I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
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