i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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