She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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