guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
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