My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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