If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
