my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
