Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
