tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
