He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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