God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize