I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He passed out mid-signature
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Randomize