So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
