I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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