my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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