I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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