i was born a porn star she said
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
