Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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