Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
