you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
