Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
