He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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