im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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