Hey man sorry I got all grabby
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
