Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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