I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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