I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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