Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
me + whiskey = a bad person
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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