I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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