i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
