My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
