Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
