In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
