it's too hot outside to masturbate.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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