Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
