Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
