yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
