Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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