i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
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