He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
