i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
