That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize