she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
