oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
