when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
