i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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