I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
