thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
